Why I Didn’t and Won't See Piranha 3-D

Recently, a few days before Piranha 3-D came out, a friend of mine asked if I was excited about going to check out the film. With no compunction at all and without pause, I told him I wasn’t all that interested. He looked at me like I had just donned a brassiere and garters and broke into a number from Chicago accompanied by a coterie of trained dancing collies. I hadn’t. Mostly because that’s just not the kind of thing you do in public, but also because I was just turning down a movie that didn’t capture my imagination. I had a couple of reasons at the time, but it was late and I had imbibed a bit so my arguments weren’t all that well formed. Since then, Piranha 3-D has been on my mind. I watched the trailer a few times, I saw some glowing endorsements from people that I trust, and saw it rake in almost fourteen million at the box office in its first weekend out. Yet I still couldn’t get myself interested in it, and so now with a clear head and a modicum of sleep (plus some coffee), I thought I would lay the reasons out why I’m going to pass on Piranha 3-D.

1. Alexandre Aja. - His career spawned out of the French new wave of horror, but loyal readers will remember that I wasn’t even a fan of his big “hit” High Tension. Then he came to the States where he quickly jumped on the remake machine and cranked out The Hills Have Eyes. Some folks have really liked his version and have singled it out as one of the best remakes. I am not some folks. Then Aja made the world’s most boring gore film in 2008 with Mirrors, and yet people are still willing to give him a chance. Having seen all three of those flicks, I just don’t have any faith in Aja to make a film that I will enjoy.

2. Piranha- It‘s from 1978. It was directed by Joe “Gremlins” Dante. Its got Dick Miller, Paul Bartel, and Barbara Steele. It’s also got some shaky effects, a Roger Corman budget, and a script by John Sayles. It even pissed off Jaws’ home, Universal Studios, until Steven Spielberg saw it and gave it the thumbs up. Now obviously, I was 2 when it was in first run, so I saw it later on VHS. The original film is a solid entry into ‘70’s cult film, and no matter how hard you try to capture that magic, you’re just not going to hit the mark. I don’t want to come off as one of those people who hates a remake. That’s not the case. (In fact next month I’ll be making my case for the remake.) Piranha is a movie still worth watching 32 years after its release. Can you imagine anyone tracking down Aja’s film in 2042?

3. 3-D- I’m done with it. When did I get done with it? Well, when did it start? I’m not sure, but the first one done with the new wave of 3-D that I went out to see was the remake of My Bloody Valentine. Did I enjoy it? Yep, it was pretty good (not original film good naturally), but the 3-D really didn’t add much to it. What it did do was subtract a much larger amount of cash from my wallet. I’m just not down with paying sixteen bucks for a ticket. For sixteen bucks I could get four or five DVDs that I could have until the end of time or I could pay for the honor of renting a hosed down pair of giant glasses that could have been on a leper’s head in the last showing. You never can tell; theaters are notoriously lax about checking for leprosy. If I didn’t spring for Avatar, the black hole into which all movie going money fell for a while, then it’s a hard sell that Piranha 3-D would get my bread.

4. Other Shit I Gotta See- If I had the free time to get out to the theater, there are so many other films that slip by me that I would much rather see. Just looking at the movies that are in the theater today, if I was going to go, I’d much rather see Get Low, Scott Pilgrim, or on Inception. Ok, let’s be honest. I would probably just go see The Expendables again. The more likely thing is I would just stay at home and watch something to review so you folks don’t have to wade though another rant like this from me. I’ve only got a bijillion stacked up all over the place begging to be watch, and I’m willing to bet that most….Hmm, let me back that up…. A good many….No, no, still too strong…. A few of these dang things are surely better than Piranha 3-D, and I am bound and determined to figure out which.

5. Because Someone Has To Not Go- Yep, I’ve got to be honest with myself. Sometimes I’ve just got to be the contrarian. I still to this day haven’t seen more than 3-4 consecutive minutes of Forest Gump. I still want to kick each and every person who enjoyed Gladiator in the shins. I still enjoy the collected films of Chris Seaver. I will always contend that Angelina Jolie is not hot, but Rachel Ray definitely is (Yum-o, indeed.) U2 are not elder statesmen of rock and roll. True Blood this season is kind of dull. Peaches > Apples. I’m plenty willing to take an unpopular stand, and everyone knows, if they’re completely honest with themselves, that sometimes doing just that is way more fun.

So there you go, there’s the reasons that I won’t be traipsing out to check out Piranha 3-D for myself. I don’t begrudge anyone who does or anyone who likes the film. I hear there’s stuff to like. Someone told me about the underwater 3-D lesbian make out scene, and I was tempted by that cinematic first. However once I realized that I could just put on my glasses and watch Bound through an aquarium and save myself a lot of cash, I decided to stay home. So that’s about it for today. I’m going to start sorting through those bijillion flicks I mentioned earlier and throw one on. I’ll see you folks again real soon with a review.

For The Love of Price: Shock (1946)

Some romances know not the bounds of time, space, distance, dimension, or the cinema screen. One such romance has occurred between The LBL’s Fran Goria and Vincent Price. Once in a while the pull is just too overwhelming, and Miss Goria must put pen to paper for the love of the man, for the love of his movies…..

Shock (1946) Director: Alfred L. Werker. Writer: Eugene Ling (screenplay). Starring: Vincent Price, Anabel Shaw, and Lynn Bari.

Dr. Richard Cross (Price) is a well respected psychiatrist who has been having an affair with his nurse, Elaine Jordan (Bari). One evening, while at the Hampton Arms Hotel, the two are confronted by Dr. Cross’ wife. An argument ensues, and Dr. Cross kills his wife in a fit of rage. In the adjacent room, Janet Stewart (Shaw) witnesses the scene and goes into a state of shock. Concerned about her condition, Janet’s husband checks her into the local sanitarium, run by Dr. Cross. He uses the opportunity to convince Janet that she is crazy. Dr. Cross and his nurse Elaine plot to kill Janet, the only witness to the Doctor’s crime. They would administer insulin shock treatment, subsequently overdosing the girl on insulin. It was the perfect solution, but will the two be able to carry out yet another murder?

Shock is a lovely little film noir gem. It is a simple tale of murder that ends with a satisfying conclusion. The film was originally a product of 20th Century Fox’s “B” unit. However, Shock did so well that it was bumped up to an “A” picture. It is easy for one to see why the film was so well received at the time. The story was interesting, the film was shot well (although my copy could stand for some digital remastering), and it had a great cast (mostly). Shock was  Price’s first solo starring role for 20th Century Fox. He delivered an outstanding performance. Price was totally believable from the burst of anger leading up to the murder, to the guilt and remorse after, to the need to cover his crime, to his reluctance to kill again, to his calm resolve at the end. There was a great range of emotion needed to play Dr. Cross, and Price played it with grace and subtlety. Many criticize Price as an over-actor, but Shock is one film that can prove them wrong. Not only did Price play the role perfectly, but he proved himself as a leading actor.

When Price was first given the script for Shock, the studio asked him and Lynn Bari if they could shoot the film in twenty days and still have it look like a first class production. After reading the script, Price responded “Certainly we can, if you don’t change the script and louse it up for us.” The two actors accepted the challenge, and the film was shot in exactly twenty days. The studio was very pleased with the results.Lynn Bari was great opposite Vincent Price. Her Nurse Jordan was the perfect complement to Price’s Dr. Cross. She went from the caring doctor’s assistant to the evil seductress with ease. Her character kept quietly convincing Dr. Cross to go further and further to cover his crime and it was no surprise that Dr. Cross listened.

Lynn Bari was in many “B” class studio films playing mainly the other woman or the femme fatale. Her curvaceous figure and high cheek boned features helped the type casting I’m sure. Besides acting, Miss Bari was also the second most popular WWII era pin-up model. She was affectionately known as “The Woo Woo Girl” and “The girl with the million dollar figure”. I have to say that I like “The Woo Woo Girl” best of the two nick names. It almost sounds like a bad reference to the female anatomy, and that makes me giggle. “I can almost see her woo woo!” Not that I could find any risqué photos of Miss Bari, on the contrary they were all lovely and tasteful. However I love a good box joke, so my brain automatically went there. I do apologize.

The rest of the cast for Shock was also fabulous, with the exception of Miss Anabel Shaw. Her character spent most of the film unconscious, so it was hard to notice the bad acting, but one scene gave her secret away. Anabel Shaw did well until she had the react to the murder and go into shock. The scene, and the look on her face, was the most over the top piece of hilarity that I have seen in awhile. I hate to admit this, but I had to rewind and watch it several times. Shaw had a few other substantial roles, such as Gun Crazy (1950) and she co-starred with Miss Bari a second time in Home Sweet Homicide (1946). Mostly she played bit parts and uncredited roles. I’m not very surprised after seeing Shock, but I did love how terrible the one scene was.

     I truly liked Shock. I always enjoy watching Vincent Price, especially in a performance so different from the norm. Price had an affinity for devilish roles, but he played it so differently this time. He was still a killer, but his performance captured a different kind of monster than in some of his later films. I am not saying that Shock is one of the great Price films, but certainly worth the watch. This film would be a great watch for a Vincent Price fan or a lover of film noir. I know it is “shocking” that I liked Shock!

Price Rating 

The Deadly Doll's Pick: Popcorn (1991)

Hey everyone. It’s that time for another film swap with my pal Emily from The Deadly Doll’s House of Horror Nonsense. Last month, you might remember that Emily assigned me the Asian cannibal flick, We Are Going To Eat You. This month she picked out 1991’s Popcorn in honor of Jill Schoelen, one of the guests of the upcoming Horrorhound Weekend that both Emily and I will be attending. Now I was familiar with Jill.  She also appeared in one of my favorite remakes, Phantom of the Opera (1989), as Christine opposite Robert England’s Phantom. Now after seeing Popcorn, I have to ask. What is the deal with the beautiful Ms. Schoelen and guys with deformed faces which they try and disguise? It seemed unusual to me that she made these two films back to back, and in fact one of Popcorn’s alternate titles is Phantom of the Cinema. The metaphor doesn’t extend to all her films though unless one of the cast members of D.C. Cab has something they’ve been hiding.

In Popcorn, Jill stars as Maggie, a film student who has been having reoccurring nightmares of a strange man, but she tries to put it out of her mind as she helps her film class get ready for a horror film marathon. After landing the Dreamland Theater, a nearly condemned cinema that once caught fire, as their venue, they assemble a number a movies to show that involve props in the style of William Castle’s theatrical stunts. Getting ready for the show, they come across the film Possessor, a film made by Laynard Gates the leader of a film cult and a man that Maggie begins to believe is her father. When the big night comes and the films start rolling, the bodies start stacking up, but Jill’s suspicion that her auteur patriarch is to blame turns out to be untrue as the killer is someone much closer than she could ever expect.

Originally, Popcorn was intended to be directed by writer/actor/ director Alan Ormsby who is best known for his scripts for Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, My Bodyguard, and the 1982 remake of Cat People. After only three weeks or principal photography, Ormsby was taken off the job and replaced by actor Mark Herrier, best known as Billy in the Porky’s films, taking on his first directing job. It has been reported that the only thing that remained from Ormsby were the segments of the Castle inspired stunt films. Interestingly, I thought that the first half of the film, which was loaded with long sequences from the faux cult selections, dragged significantly, and the film also tended to cut back to the movie within the movie when I would have preferred more of the killer taking out his vengeance.

For the first hour, little kept me going through this film other then Schoelen who was charming in a way that always reminds me of Jennifer Connelly and the appearance of stalwart character actor Tony Roberts as Maggie’s teacher Mr. Davis. However in the last 40 minutes of film, the film changes pace as the reveal of the real killer entirely changes the dynamic of the film. Unfortunately, I get into the problem that the part of the film I liked has spoilers all over it. So before I get into it a bit, I wanted to give everyone a warning that I was going to tread toward the ending. The killer is revealed to be Maggie’s classmate Toby who was also caught in the fire that Maggie escaped as a child. Now, hidden behind a rubber mask, he’s returned to take his revenge. Tom Villard, who also starred as the baddie gang leader in Parasite, gives an inspired performance in the final act of the film that totally redeems the slow, padded opening of the film. Villard brought to the film an engaging and modern slasher that combined humor with more than enough of the essential creepiness needed to remain a menace. I could have easily watched him in several sequels which sadly did not materialize.

Popcorn is often compared to the other William Castle inspired film Matinee, but the two share little other than an admiration to the King of the Gimmick. Popcorn is a satisfying slasher that starts off a little weak, but the ending pays off so well that it saved the entire picture to me. My early reaction to the film was that it was another low end slasher that come out after the trend had really run its course, but with a simple bait and switch and a couple of good performances from Villard and Schoelen, Popcorn became much more than a hardened kernel. It filled up the bucket with enough clever ideas and entertaining scenes to make for a cinematic delight filled with buttery goodness. I want to thank Emily for recommending this one to me, and I hope you all go over there and check out her site for a review of Motorama, the film I recommended to her for this month.

Bugg Rating 

The Lair Turns Two

Hey folks. I'm going to keep it short and sweet today. Two years ago I started The Lightning Bug's Lair with absolutely no plan and no idea of what I was doing. Two years later not much has changed in that regard. I've had a great time the past couple of years getting to know all the other great bloggers out there and talking to all my readers. There are just too many of you to list everyone who's been great over the last couple of years, but you know who you are. So thanks one and all for the best two years a fellow could wish for and here's hoping for two hundred more. OK maybe that's a bit overambitious, but you never can tell.  I'll be back Monday with the regularly scheduled nonsense. Until then keep checking out the Best and Worst of what the Lair has to offer, and thanks again for making the last two years so great.

Top 10 Best Films of The Lair's Last 2 Years

Yesterday, I sorted thought the heap and dredged up the worst of the worst films that I’ve sat though in the last two years. Today, I want to look at the bests. Now there’s going to be a bunch of films that might seem absent if you went though my archives, but I’ve put a lot of the perennial favorites (i.e. Dracula, Psycho.) and acknowledged genre classics (i.e. The Descent, Hard Boiled) out of bounds for this list. I guess in a way it might be more my top ten recommendations, but ‘best’ sure sounds so much snappier so let’s just stick with that. So here goes for better or worse the Top 10 Best So Far.

10.  Frenzy (1972) I had seen some Hitchcock films when I started the site, but not nearly as many as I would have liked. That was the inspiration for the on again off again segment Hitch on the Hump that covered twenty two of Hitch’s films. Of all of his films that I’ve seen, Frenzy always intrigues me the most. It was Hitchcock’s attempt to modernize his form and bring his film to the same artistic and confrontational level that the new young breed of directors was striving for in the early ‘70’s. Some say he missed the mark, but I like the blend of suspense and pitch black humor that the film employs.I recently stumbled across the book, Goodbye Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square, which was the basis for Frenzy, and after reading it and seeing what Hitchcock and taken and left from his source material only enriched the experience of the film for me. If you’re like I was (and still am to some extent) and have holes in your Hitchcock watching, I truly recommend Frenzy for a view into the darkest side of Hitchcock.

9. And Soon the Darkness (1970) I had never heard of this stylish little thriller (or the leading lady, Pamela Franklin) until I started the Lair, and it was only through a comment of a reader that I caught this one. Taking place in the open air of the French countryside in broad daylight, And Soon the Darkness kept me guessing, and with delicate use of silence heightened the tension to epic proportions. There is supposed to be a remake of this film due to be released, but I’ve been hearing that the film, starring Karl Urban *and not Keith like I said on Conversations in the Dark*, has been long finished but shelved due to one reason or another. I would be interested to see what they do with the film (the action in transplanted to Argentina), but I don’t imagine a modern telling would have the chilling stillness that the original captured.

8. Cat in the Brain (1990) I knew Lucio Fulci when I started the site, but I won’t try and put up a front and act like I had a handle on vast amounts of his catalog. Cat in the Brain is one that was released by Blue Underground to a fancy new DVD just last year, and I picked it up especially to review. I didn’t hold out much hope from what I had seen of late era Fulci, but instead I was greeted with a film that was to Lucio Fulci what 8 ½ was to Fellini. Though with Fulci the problem was not all the dames he had running around, but the grotesque images, the murders, the things he put on film. Not to mention that Fulci does Fredrico one better by starring as himself in this meta meditation on Italian horror. This is a must see for fans of Fulci, but I would recommend it especially to the skeptics. Sure there are problems with the film, but once you get a look inside of Fulci’s mind you may find that you’re the one with a feline in your noggin.

7. Black Belly of the Tarantula (1971) Over the last few years as I’ve looked at more kinds of films from all over the map, I always seem to come back to Italian film. While I love the zombies and the cannibals as much as the next guy, what I can always get down with is a giallo. I’ve reviewed several great ones on the site like What Have You Done to Solonge? and The Girl in the Yellow Pajamas, but one that really ways stands out to me is Black Belly of the Tarantula. Apart from the typically evocative title, Black Belly boasts a score by Morricone, great performances by Gincarlo Giannini (who also headlined the original Swept Away) and the beautiful Barbara Bach, a traditionally black gloved killer, and just enough sleaze to make it all go down with a smile.

6. Pickup On South Street (1953) I was watching TCM one night, and I saw this documentary about a crazy, wild-man director who smoked two foot cigars and wore white Tom Wolfe suits, but he looked like he would probably bust an Ivy League lad like Wolfe across the chops just for fun. The director was Sam Fuller, and before the week was over I had seen Pickup on South Street for the first time. I’ve gone through several times in my life when I watched film noir or boned up on classics, but I had never crossed paths with Fuller before. South Street seemed like some perfect imaginary noir film that could only exist in one of Quentin Tarantino’s made up worlds. The first two minutes of the film knocked my socks off when I saw it, and it continues to do the same today even after I’ve seen the film dozens of times.

5. Hide and Creep (2004) Long ago, I got ordained as a Reverend by mail thanks to the Universal Life Church of America folks, but I’ve never done anything with it. If I was going to take up the cloth again, it would be to preach the gospel of what is still the best low budget, Southern, zombie comedy ever made. That’s right I’m talking about Hide and Creep again, and I’m not going to stop talking about it until people check out Chance Shirley’s flick. I realize that I’ve brought this flick up time and time again, but Hide and Creep is really that damn good. (And it’s still on Netflix Watch Instantly so do that!) What Chance did that other Southern horror comedies fail to do is actually portray the people as they are and not as a caricature. I'm sure there are some who would say that the characters are still too broad, but I have my doubts as to if those folks ever lived in the South. These are the people I see every day when I go to work. It's just them fighting zombies.

4. The Stuff (1985) Right off the bat, and it goes without saying, but Larry Cohen is the man. That’s all there is to it. While I had seen several of his films, The Stuff had slipped by me. The review I did for it, entitled You Are What It Eats, opened up a great debate about the film with people stacking up on both sides. I have a lot of fun watching The Stuff, but Cohen was often mindful of his social message. Watching the film and seeing the titular Stuff ooze out of people, I can’t help but be a little reminded of Morgan Spurlock’s reaction to an o.d. of Mc Donald’s in Super Size Me. That’s what makes The Stuff such a great film. You can throw it on at a party with a group of people and have a blast or you can deconstruct it and wax poetic about it asI am prone to do. Whichever way you take The Stuff, you always seem to leave with a little on you.

3. Wild Zero (2000) I love movies about music. I love movies about crazy science fiction crap. I sometimes love the weird ass stuff that comes out of Asian cinema. Let’s face it I love any film where someone throws exploding guitar picks to take out zombies. Wild Zero and Guitar Wolf, the real life band that the plot revolves around, are one in the same, and like Nigel’s amp, they both definitely go to 11. Guitar Wolf play a loud, cranked up version of rockabilly, and their movie moves at the same speed careening between zombies, aliens, lady boys, “ROCK AND ROLL”, and even a spot of undead romance. Until I recently saw Golden Queen Commandos (a film that I promise will have a review of its own shortly) I thought this was the movie that simply had everything I would ever want in one film. I gave it a five almost two years ago when I saw it, and I would still do the same thing today.

2. Triangle (2009) I think since I reviewed Triangle three months ago I have watched it at least five more times. Each time, even though I know all its secrets by now, I still pick up something about the film making or the form of the film or how neatly the pieces fit together. I know this will probably cause some degree of disagreement (as it did when I first posted about it), but this shifty little film deserves much more acclaim than it gets. I nearly put another film on this spot, one that doesn’t even appear on this list at all, and that was Martyrs (2008). While I consider Martyrs to be a great film, it’s not something I will ever be in a rush to watch again. I bought the DVD, but I will more than likely grow dust in my collection as films like Triangle, The Stuff, and Hide and Creep get played again and again.

1. The Sentinel (1977) Apart from watching Beverly D’Angelo getting herself off, there are still plenty more interesting things at work in The Sentinel. I love me a supernatural tale, and the creepy atmospherics of Michael Winner’s film always gives me the creeps. Burgess Meredith doesn’t help either. The only thing that could make it creepier would be if it had been directed by Lucio Fulci. From John Carradine’s milky eyed priest to the heroine’s outlandish nightmares, The Sentinel delivers an experience that puts me on the edge of my seat. I’ve seen it a good number of times now, but it never ceases to make the little hairs on my arm come to attention every time Cristina Raines is confronted with her nightmarish visions. Plus you get an all-star cast including Jerry Orbach (Who does not try or arrest anyone or put anyone in a corner.), Christopher Walken (who has about three lines in the whole film but got to hang around Eli Wallach a lot), Chris Sarandon (pre-Fright Night and doing magic tricks), and Ava Gardner (looking old and kind of creepy as well.) So what’s not to love about The Sentinel? Since I’m naming it the number 1 film of the past two years, I don’t think I can think of a thing.

So there you have it, the Best 10 films of the last two years. With over five hundred reviews to choose from, there’s so many more I would like to talk about, but I couldn’t figure out how to do Top 10 Average films. So you’ll have to look for them yourselves, but I promise there’s tons more goodies hanging in out in the archives. I also promise to fill the next two years up with 500 more. Thanks everyone you stopped by to check out this list, and I hope one of your favorites, perhaps a new favorite, is on this list somewhere.